HawkeyeTom.com v2.0

...the rest of the story

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:42:11 -0600

continued from previous post (posting two back to back, read the other one first if you haven’t already).

Monday was a big day for the Hawks, there was shit lined up all over South Beach for Hawkeye Fans. The Hawkeye Huddle was at the convention center then there was a Hawkeye after party at The Clevelander and a big deal party at Cameo where the doors opened at 9. Our crew, clueless as usual, was slow to get going. We piled 7 people in that Dodge Avenger and headed for South Beach and the Hawkeye Huddle. We got there an hour late (it was only 2 hours long) and they were already out of Bud Light, clearly they didn’t know what was coming that night in South Beach.

By the time we got to The Clevelander there was an hour long to pay for beer so we found some place called Mongos (I think) to entertain ourselves until Cameo was opening up. After a couple drinks Emily and I headed out to get some food since we hadn’t really eaten anything all day and left the Larry crew to do what they do.

Emily and I got into Cameo a few minutes after 9 and were some of the first ones in. I asked for a Bud Light and vodka tonic, and was rudely told that they don’t have Bud Light. I knew that was a bad sign. They had Dos Equis and Corona in the way of beer. A beer and mixed drink was $20, awesome. I forgot to mention that everything (seriously any food or drink) served in South Beach has an automatic gratuity added of 15-20% depending on the place. Even ordering a single beer has gratuity added on it, brutal for anyone used to Iowa City and townie bars.
While I sipped on my $8 beer and Emily sipped on her $12 mixed drink we checked the place out, nothing like Iowa City has ever seen. Just then the trio of Larrys walk in, Joe, Klobbo, and Lampe head straight to the middle and get their bottle service started for the night. The place was crazy with Hawkeye fans after about an hour. I started getting pretty weird in there (we eventually renamed weird to normal due to the fact that so much of the time we spent in Miami was weird) after midnight so Emily and I headed back to the hotel around 1. The trio got back to the room sometime around 5 I think and did some major treas hunting.

Of course not everyone had a great time when they got back from Cameo…

MBP got back around 6 I think, he posed Lampe and Klobbo in bed suggestively and had to tell us about it…

After about 10 minutes of telling us about it he leaned on the ironing board and smoked it, then passed out on his face at the end of the bed…

Finally Gameday!!!
Shopping for booze at the local gas station…apparently they don’t have 6 packs of bottles so they make their own…

Tailgate was a standard tailgate with a few exceptions. Lampe and Klobbo were worthless when we left to tailgate at 11 (this isn’t an exception, completely normal)but they did somehow meet up with us around 2:30 or so for some solid tailgating.

We had a nice little shout out for C Wagz and Eric C (probably an inside joke)…

Then we had another Guido Fist Pump on camera. Joe filmed this one for us…

I’m tired of writing and everyone saw the stomping we handed out on the field so here’s the rest of the videos in no particular order…

And here’s the rest of the pictures from the trip
Lampe Hearts Bottle Service:

Hot Lil Mess:

Getting’ Real Normal:

More from Miami...

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:33:00 -0600

Sorry for the monster delay everyone, here comes more tales from Miami. I had to break it into two more chunks, this being the first of the last two, may want to try to read them in order.

Saturday morning was pretty miz for everyone, primarily because we had to get our shit together and get to another hotel for the rest of our stay in Miami. We called and got a late checkout which was noon. Then, it was requested that we get a later check out over and over again by a very miz Klobbo. I won’t discuss the details but in some miraculous event we got our shit out of the hotel and found ourselves in the parking lot with 6 people, luggage, a Dodge Avenger, and multiple hangovers. It was prime time Tetris in the trunk then with 4 suitcases and 3 people in the back, and two riding shotgun I drove us 15 minutes to the Embassy Suites near the airport.

Immediately after piling out of the car, Lampe requested a “short boy” (8 oz) of Budweiser. He then proceeded to vom then sip then vom and sip for about ten minutes while shouting “Go Hawks” to anyone that looked like they were Hawkeyes. I thought there was a vid of this but I don’t have it, let me know if anyone has it (Darin).

At around 1 PM I got us on the early check-in list which was about 7 deep at the time. We went to the hotel restaurant for lunch for possibly the worst service ever. Ruben was our waiter (if you could call it that) and took our drink order. While we mentioned how miz we were and I was teased about drinking “7 beers” (which was closer to 20), Ruben said he, “Seriously drank 12 whole beers last night and got sooo messed up.” You can only imagine how impressed this group was with the guy.

Well the car ride made Lampe vom in the parking lot I was still holding on by a thread. After I put my water order in with Ruben I made a b-line to the can to vom my guts out until my eyes were bloodshot. After lunch we had no choice but to go to the lobby bar to hang out until our room was ready.

I was then informed that a wolf pack had been created the previous night at The Mansion. Members of the original wolf pack were: Klobbo, Joe, Darryl, Lampe and of course Jermaine Dupri. I didn’t have a chance to get in due to the recent vom. Throughout the rest of the trip people we being kicked out and added back into the wolf pack almost hourly. I think I was in for about a half day total on the trip due to a picture posting on here of Klobbo. At one point Jermaine Dupri was the only one in the wolf pack. Since there’s a vote to bring anyone in I’m not sure how the other guys got back in but that’s clearly not worth asking questions about.

The competition of who can keep their Mansion wristband on the longest also began after lunch. The deal was the last person to have the wristband on got paid $7 by each of the other three. I’m not sure if anyone was ever paid but I think Joe barely won the bet on Tuesday when we were tailgating. Joe then showed me this hot Guido Fist Pump vid that he took on his phone, nice.

Normal check-in is 3 PM, we checked in at 4:30 due to the cluster fuck that was working at the front desk. I attempted a nap which was pointless then we headed down to happy hour at 5:30. Happy hour and the rest of the night is a hot lil mess in my mind. We killed a ton of booze at happy hour then went to the lobby bar where Javier was bartending. Cranberry and vodka was my drink of choice for the night, two at a time at happy hour then doubles at the lobby bar. Apparently I drank three doubles in the time that by buddy that met us at the hotel drank one beer. At some point I decided I need to vom so I started for the bathroom in the lobby, I made it about 15 steps and vomed all over a really really nice humidor full of cigars for purchase in the bar. I never stopped walking during that river of red and finished up in the bathroom. I made it back to the room and apparently took a few videos of the other Larrys before passing out. Due to my vom I my new nickname for part of the trip was “Hawkeye Tom dot vom backslash cranberry.”

Here’s the rest of the night, pieced together from the other guys and pictures the next day. Happy hour was a crush fest of drinks by everyone. Then in the lobby bar we apparently buddied up with Javier pretty good. We also found out about Klobbo’s forehead kissing obsession from a previous flame. First he actually admitted that she had told him he had kissed her forehead a number a times during the night. Obviously this went over real well, it was announced around the bar (mainly by Lampe) that Klobbo was a forehead kisser. Then for some reason he decided to call her and let Lampe talk to her, at which point she said that all Klobbo does is kiss foreheads. For the rest of the trip there was endless ripping on forehead kissing, so much so I made up this photo album montage of forehead kissing…

Some other Hawkeye fan came over to our side of the bar and became a big hit with these guys, he’d been making his own drinks in his room and carrying around a Hawkeye cup all night because “they didn’t make them strong enough at happy hour.” I went over to the other side of the bar and talked his wife into coming over and yelling at Lampe about his haircut. It ended up being a decent serve even though she didn’t really yell at him, but I don’t really remember anyway.

Also, judging by my phone the next morning I sent a number of picture messages and both of these videos:

Then I guess after I was back in the room I took these videos…

The next morning (or maybe the morning after, I’m not sure) I got this video…

The next morning I was also informed about a very extensive treasure hunt that happened the night before. See, “treas” (as in treasure) is room service food that is left outside people’s rooms. These drunken Larrys scoured every single floor (10) for other people’s leftover food. The full report on the night included that the local pizza place must have been awesome because no one even left any crust. While they had started out looking for shrimp and various other high end room service meals they ended up eating nearly everything that was under a room service lid in the entire hotel. Oh, and they were nice enough to bring some cold flapjacks back to Joe who wasn’t on the hunt for treas. I don’t remember what we did on Sunday during the day, maybe some hot tub, or maybe just some rehydration.

A couple hours of the day we attempted to find food but we had to be back before happy hour. So, we piled 6 people into that Dodge Avenger and tried to find a Chili’s that one of my iPhone apps told me was 501 yards away. Garmin said it was 5 miles away, good thing we didn’t end up trying to walk. We got there and half of Miami was there eating so we ended up going to Subway that was close by. Lampe was pissed about the car situation so he said he’d ride in the trunk for the ride back to the hotel (at least 15 minutes and about a mile on the freeway). Everything was fine…for the first 2 minutes at which point he started screaming and punching the inside of the trunk lid while he texted us that he couldn’t breathe. Of course we know that trunks are not air tight but we weren’t sure if he was serious or full of shit. Eventually the punches got serious so we half folded the back seats forward (with people in them) so he could poke his head out and get some air. You can only magine the looks we got with that meathead looking backwards out the rear window and 5 other people crammed in the car…

At happy hour we made some new Hawkeye friends and arranged to go out to a “club” with them after happy hour was over. The bartender said they went through 20 bottles of hard alcohol Sunday night at happy hour, I’d like to think that it was 98% Hawkeye fans that did it.

This is how it started…

So there was a crazy (and drunk) old lady that I think was hitting on Lampe in the lobby bar earlier in the afternoon that ended up finding us at happy hour. She carried on about her eczema problem and that she was 73 years old and had 5 death threats in her life. She was at the hotel to meet up with her husband’s friend who’s a retired 30 year Delta captain with a $20K pension. She pretty much wouldn’t stop talking, after Lampe said something awful he walked away. Everyone else seemed to escape but I had to stay to catch the following on video. Listen closely to what Klobbo tells her, couldn’t be more blatant doc…

We got the Embassy Suites shuttle to take us about 15 minutes away to a club called the Treasure Island. Unfortunately Treasure Island was closing when we got there around 11 but a waitress directed us to a bar call Sandbar across the street. We relayed the message to our other Hawkeye fans that were meeting us and ended up basically taking over that bar.

Lampe, who’s now apparently addicted to bottle service, asks to buy a bottle from this bar. They looked at each other dumbfounded then called a manager/owner and found out they can’t do it. Lampe then decides to buy 35 Grey Goose drinks at once…

From We got our first entry into the Guido Fist Pump Hall of Fame of the night from Lampe

For the rest of the night’s activities I’m going to purposely try to be as vague as possible for obvious reasons. One guy in our group had received a couple suggestive e-mails from a regular hookup but was promised a third if he sent one back to her. Imagine a guy in an Iowa Cityish style bar bathroom trying to get ricked up and take a picture of himself. From what I heard people kept coming in to piss and it didn’t work out but I’m not sure if he ever got his third picture in the series from her.

Our other Hawkeye friends took off around 2 AM and two of our crew took off shortly after in a cab. The rest of us waited for Man Bear Pig who was comin’ in hot from Des Moines and was supposed to be in town soon. He was going to pick us up from the bar around bar close and take us back to the hotel. We ended up waiting around the closed bar for about a half hour, he picked us up around 3:30 and we went to Denny’s. We got back to our hotel around 5 or 5:15 AM to find one member of our crew engaged in, as Lampe calls it “pre-marital box munching” and another member of our crew in the bedroom attempting to do work on one of the 41 year old Hawkeye fans that we had met previously.

After multiple call outs of “seriously gimme 6 more minutes” it was finally decided that E.D. had won the battle that night. I’ll hold on the rest of the details, feel free to ask anyone from the trip for more but there’ s no need to publish it to the 5 people that read this website.

Continued in next post…

I’m sure there will be more to come…

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 19:43:12 -0600

I’m sure there will be more to come…

Joe Daddy - Michigan Tailgate

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 10:58:44 -0600

I just recently got this vid from Lampe that he took on his phone during the Michigan tailgate in Iowa City. It’s not really worth explaining…

Happy New Year's Day, Kinda

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:48:00 -0600

….At some point in the morning there was movement in the room. Mostly just moans and repeated, “I’m so miz” comments for a while. Klobbo then put a prompt request in for the Gatorade store. Joe in all his wisdom took a 20 and 3 one’s with him and came back about 20 minutes later with three bags full of Gatorades. This may be the only thing that kept them alive for the next two days.

After Lampe and Darryl got their barrings they found that they may have spent a shit ton of money on New Year’s Eve for bottle service. I mean, why not get bottle service when the cover you paid is good for all you can drink too?

It was now that I was introduced to GuidoFistPump.com and the rules (Step 1, Step 2, Repeat). The fist pump became a re-occurring theme for the rest of the trip, videos to come on that later. I’m also working on submitting them to the site to see if we they can compete with the guys on the Jersey shore.

Eventually we went down to the beach and drank some beers for the day. Saw a couple topless girls in the ocean, which was nice. Tried to convince each other to get buried in the sand and failed, pretty uneventful. Luckily there was a plane flying a banner around on the beach so there was a new club to go to for the night.

After some food and more beers at Wings and Rings I hung out at the hotel with Emily, Big Mick and his friends drinking and watching football. The rest of the guys took the opportunity to go see Jermain Dupri spin at The Mansion and spend an insane amount of money. This is a real picture of Lampe’s receipt. And for those that are wondering Motley Bird is, it’s like Red Bull but apparently insanely more expensive.

Joe made it back around 5 again but the other guys made it back (in normal belligerent fashion) around 4 to discuss their conquests. There weren’t any additional presidential memos but I believe there was more escaping from prostitutes.

Here’s a couple videos of the debacle that was our room Saturday morning:

Darryl got a call from his bank…always a good thing after the second night of a week long trip…

Lampe thought it might be a good idea to find out how much he spent on New Year’s Eve since the Friday night tab was 16 hundo…

more to come in the next couple days…

Welcome To Miami

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 21:19:00 -0600

Here’s a taste of the Miami trip. I’m going to have to break it down into multiple posts due to the large number of unforgettable evens that happened down there. I’ll keep posting more as I get it ready, should get it all up in another week or so.

I got down to Miami around 10 on New Year’s Eve, the guys were already out at a club making it rain…but more on that later.

I was greeted by a pounding door around 2 AM with a Klobbo on the other side. I was repeatedly informed that him coming home at 2 AM was “LITERALLY THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE COLBERT FAMILY.” I can’t even begin to explain how crushed he was when he stumbled back.

Then at 4 AM I was greeted by Lampe and Darin (soon to be renamed “Darryl” for obvious purposes) pounding on the door. We found out later that all the keys didn’t work when I got a key from the front desk. Kurt stumbled in and started yelling at me, asking me, “Are you mad at me?” Obvious to him apparently was his awful haircut, he thought that I had to be mad at him (not for being an ass at 4 AM but because of his haircut). After I assured him that I wasn’t mad at him or his haircut he began discussing the latest presidential legislation, most specifically This Official Presidential Memo.

Miraculously the hot lil mess known as Lampe needed num-nums at 4:15 AM…and found them. He somehow convinced a pizza guy down in the lobby that the guy ordering it didn’t need it as much as he did and brought back his prize (the worst looking pizza I’ve ever seen). The crust managed to find it’s way all over our room, one piece lived in the shower, then the sink until we checked out.

Then at 5 AM Joe made it to the door. Since everyone else was passed out and I had never met Joe before it was really awesome opening a shitty south beach hotel door at 5 AM to a complete stranger. Luckily it was Joe and not a crystal meth tweaker. His entrance was pretty uneventful in comparison but he had just escaped a someone trying to solicit on the street so he was probably a little rattled.

….

Packers vs Seahawks @ Lambeau

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 20:43:00 -0600

Had a freakin’ blast watching the Pack smoke the Seahawks in their last home game on December 27th. It was balmy, somewhere in the low 20’s I think for the tailgate. We had some kickass seats that we got from a co-worker of mine. Here’s a few pics:

Orange Bowl Trip

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:25:00 -0600

If you know who was in attendance you know the Miami trip was destined to be a hot lil mess before we even arrived. I took a bunch of pics and videos to share because what happens in Miami…goes on the Internet!

I’m going to have to break it up at least into a few posts so the pages will still load in a reasonable time. Here are the top themes of the trip that I’ll be breaking it down so you can have a taste of what’s to come:

Kurt’s haircut
Literally The best thing to ever happen to the Colbert family
Presidential Memo
So Miz
Jermain Dupri
Wolf Pack
Bottle Service
Ruben
Most People Your Age are dead
Hot Lil Mess
HawkeyeTom.vom/Cranberry
Treas
Forhead Kissing
Guido Fist Pump
Erectile Dysfunction
Best Friend Doug
Kurby Trunk Ride
Clueless Joe Jackson
Tailgating
Orange Bowl

Clearly there’s good stories that go along with all of these, I’ll include at least a little narrative on everything…maybe less on the E.D. and more on others but there are plenty of stories to tell.

I’ll start getting things up this weekend but it may be a while before I get it all up here. I’m waiting on the other guys to send me their blackberry and droid pics and videos to include here too.

-HT

Finger licking forehead kisser.

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 21:10:21 -0600

Finger licking forehead kisser.

Fist Pump

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 16:10:03 -0600

Fist Pump:

The website devoted to the hottest new dance move, Lampe tore his rotator cuff last night tryin’ it.

Mini Keg Stand found on DanPatrick.com…sorry they party

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:31:17 -0600

Mini Keg Stand found on DanPatrick.com…sorry they party

C Wags: Hawks=Wins Wins=Partyin Partyin=This

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:47:37 -0600

C Wags: Hawks=Wins Wins=Partyin Partyin=This

Joe Daddy Goes Country!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:58:34 -0600

Just when you think the guy can’t do anything dumber he goes and does something like this and totally blows your mind! I’m going to take the fault on this one though, I knew he had enough whiskey at this point that he wouldn’t turn down any kind of dare so I knew it was a sure thing. Thanks to Marla for getting the video! It’s from Friday night before Andy and Mikki’s wedding, 10/23/09.

Hawkeyes Go 9 and 0!!!

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

It wasn’t the most relaxing game in Hawkeye history but no one likes a boring game right!?! Here are a few pics from the tailgate on Saturday. Are those last couple photos a sign???

Another great Miley Cyrus voice mail from Eric…

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Another great Miley Cyrus voice mail from Eric…

Andy and Mikki's Wedding

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Well we all know that scheduling a wedding on the same day as an Iowa game is a huuuuuge gamble. Both because you’re not sure if you’re bridal party will have their shit together and if the Hawks lose (clearly I’m talking hypothetical here since it doesn’t happen) the reception will be a huge bust. Lucky for Andy, Mikki and the Hawk fans, the ceremony was quick, the beer was free and McNutt has amazing hands!

Bla bla bla and chaos ensued…

A few pictures:

And a few videos…

Joe Daddy remixes Man in the Mirror

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Karaoke is not always the best idea. I mean, ask Brennan’s shin which is still scrapped up and bloody (see 1:29). But if you were deaf it probably wouldn’t have been too bad except for the dance moves (see 3:05 and 4:11). Basically what I’m saying is that the only way you could enjoy this is if you know them or if you’re deaf and blind…but enjoy it anyway.

Hey Bucky!

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, give me a decent camcorder and we could have a hit reality show on MTV. Here are my records from Madison as our Big Ten road trip took over the city and bested the Badgers. On top of the debauchery below we have, as usual, increased our vocabulary, increased the out of town love and respect for the Hawks and of course pissed a couple (or a lot) of people off.

Pictures:

I put the videos in the best order that I can remember them in, enjoy.

I love downloadable voice mail…

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

I love downloadable voice mail…

Courtesy of our very own Chad Weigel:Our boy Glenn is at it...

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:30:00 -0500

Courtesy of our very own Chad Weigel:

Our boy Glenn is at it again. What an animal. Please read his comment below. Laughed real hard

“Ahhhh yes. Being a well dressed man does have its advantages.”